Let Me Help You Assuage Your Carbon Guilt

new york hunger games - Jerry Russell

Jerry Russell
Binghamton Area Landowner

New Yorkers are ever politically correct, quick to pick up on the latest social cause so as to demonstrate moral superiority. Carbon guilt is the latest. Jerry says he can help.

Inspired by the fairy tale world in which I live here in New York State, where reality does not intrude into everyday life, leaving our governor, other politicians and a large number of the privileged people to manipulate us, I have resolved this year to move out of the real world and into the make believe world. Since I am unable to sell tangible natural gas assets I am going to start selling “Carbon Credits.” Yes, that’s right if you are against gas drilling and are feeling guilty about burning natural gas. I am here to help you assuage your carbon guilt.

I will do this by allowing you to rent a share of the carbon dioxide that is absorbed everyday by the trees and grass that I lovingly take care of for you. Moving ahead into this imaginary world of carbon sequestration, I urge you to send me some non-imaginary cash to help pay my taxes in this new year and, in return you’ll get this outstanding over-sized certificate that can double as floor mat for your car or at your stoop (I call it a “smug rug”):

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I have decided to sell my credits for the amount of lease and royalty payments I would get if I was permitted to develop my natural gas resources. I estimate that I would have received approximately $500,000 in such revenues for my acreage and I have about 5,000 trees, making each worth roughly $100 in carbon guilt payments or credits.

All you have to do is send me $100 per tree and you can assuage as much guilt as you like. For grassy areas of my property I’m selling one-hundredth of an acre for the same price. It takes about one tree to offset a ton of carbon guilt or ten trees to off-set a year of heat for your house and, frankly, my price is exceptionally reasonable as a ton of carbon reduction is estimated to be worth as much as $664 in benefits. Each tree and grassy acre will have a number assigned to it indicating it’s all yours. It won’t be harvested. Rather, it will just be allowed to rot.

carbon guilt Rotting-Tree-Trunk

I am sure that every serial protestor and wannabe environmentalist will jump at this chance to get in on this (pun intended) “grass roots” opportunity. It’s certainly a win-win situation. I get back the dollars my governor stole from me and you get to go on, ala Al Gore, living the lifestyle you like while claiming green righteousness. It’s all make believe, of course, but that’s the beauty of living in New York.

Along with this great option, I have another “rock bottom” chance for you to make a difference in the environment.

I realized this when I was reading about purchasing electricity from only renewable sources like wind and hydro. It seems the power company has duped these same people into believing they can hook into a power grid and by paying more money, they can purchase only the power that comes from renewable sources. Using this logic I am going to start selling mountain spring water.

Yes, for less than the price of a gallon of gasoline I will hook into the local water grid, the Susquehanna River and extract only the pure mountain spring water that flows into the river. I can bottle it and deliver it right to your home. If you are serious about the environment you will believe me when I say that the sediment and funny smell are perfectly normal part of this spring water. Finally, we have a way to un-shackle upstate land owners, instead of trying to provide what people really need, we can start providing what they think they need.

carbon guilt

Feeling guilty about eating meat? How about purchasing some vegan credits?

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5 thoughts on “Let Me Help You Assuage Your Carbon Guilt

  1. Pingback: Let Me Help You Assuage Your Carbon Guilt | ShaleNOW

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