Jeff Heller
Steuben County, New York, Landowner
Steuben County Land Owners Coalition

Humor can a highly effective tool for making a serious point and that applies to fracking and natural gas development.  Steuben County Land Owner Coalition leader Jeff Heller employs some in imagining a conversation between Governor Andrew Cuomo and Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver. 

Imaginary future audio recording from New York Governor Andrew Cuomo office 8/30/13, 3:10 PM.

Andrew Cuomo/Ditherer in Chief (hereafter AC/DC):  Gentlemen, I’ve called this  meeting to assess the general situation in New York as far as natural gas and the  environmental stuff are concerned.

Assembly Leader (hereafter AL): I’m sure I can, and will, speak for all of us in thanking you for this opportunity to contribute to the well being of our highly rated state on this issue.

AC/DC:  I’m taking a little heat for us being the only state that isn’t taking advantage of our shale play – especially from some of my fellow liberal governors – like Jerry in California and my friend Pat Quinn in Illinois, and even former Pennsylvania Governor Rendell!

AL:  I wouldn’t worry about those guys, Andy.  As long as we can keep Yoko in our camp we should be fine.  She is such an authority on the environmental stuff and a great artist to boot!  Have you seen her video where she thrusts her abdomen in and out while holding a beach ball and singing “Don’t Frack My Mother”!  What an artist! We need to keep her, and her wealthy friends, on our side at all costs!  Who needs the unions if we can get Yoko?

AC/DC:  Well, I’ve always favored Yoko over those robber baron farmers in the Southern Tier.  I mean, who really believes their song of woe about their poor economic conditions?  As I’ve stated before, surely the increased production of the yogurt industry will be enough to make up for any economic problems the farmers have.

AL:  Absolutely!

AC/DC:  I took a little heat about my concern for kids falling into gas wells.  I don’t see why really.  If you took the valve system off the top of a well you could stuff a kid in there – couldn’t you?

AL:  Absolutely!

AC/DC:  I’m really a little upset at all this belly-aching about all the jobs and economic activity we’re missing out on.  Our own ads point out how well our state is really doing – don’t they?  I thought my buddy Barack put the jobs thing in perspective when he said the Keystone Pipeline would only produce 50 jobs!  He knows his own people who have put the number up around 20,000 are full of buffalo chips – right?

AL:  Absolutely!

AC/DC:  I’m sure all my fellow urban liberals, Democrat and Republican, know more about the real conditions in the rural areas than those hayseeds do!  As some of us have stated before, they wouldn’t know what to do with the money from gas drilling anyhow!  Certainly not like we would!

AL:  Absolutely!  And, let me tell you, I’m tired of hearing them say we don’t understand the Southern Tier or the plight of upstate rural areas.  For crying out loud, I have a second home in the Catskills!  That tells me everything I’d need to know about upstate!

AC/DC:  It’s probably good we’ve been able to control any concerns about New York being alone on this stuff.  Sometimes I think it sounds a little bad when someone points out that at least 29 states are allowing fracking and at least 16 are allowing horizontal fracking – and I don’t think that includes California and Illinois, which are now on board.  It is possible, don’t you guys think, that everyone else is wrong on this, and we’re right?

AL:  Absolutely!

AC/DC:  Well, I want to thank you all for coming and contributing so much to this conversation.  Yoko and Al Gore have agreed to give me a real education on this stuff in the near future.  Can’t wait for that day!  In the meantime, keep telling everyone you meet what great shape New York is in.  We really need to get that message out! Sheldon, if you could stay a minute, I’m sure you’ll want to talk a little about this stuff.

AL:  Absolutely!