Upstate New York Landowner, Shale Gas Activist
Political correctness is killing us all these days and Vic Furman uses a humorous tale to illustrate the absurdity of life among the self-righteous.
Somebody, please help me! I am suffering from a bad case of political correctness and would be extremely grateful to anyone who can assist me in finding out where I can find socially acceptable products to purchase. I am in desperation.
You see, for starters, I had to ditch my car, well you know, to lower my carbon footprint. I had hoped to develop the natural gas on my property, which would have made a nice contribution to reducing CO2, but our governor said it wasn’t safe, so I swapped out my car for a bicycle, straight up. I was doing my part to save the planet. Thinking I would drive my bike to work everyday I didn’t calculate the 36 mile drive would take me 3 hours to get to the job. Management wasn’t happy with my tardiness and, needless to say, I was fired. But. hey, I did my part and once I got started in demonstrating my virtues I just couldn’t stop.
I also gave up red meat because cow farts, after all, are destroying the planet. I really miss my hamburgers and steaks but, I guess that’s the price I am willing to pay to save Mother Earth. Finding substitutes in my diet has been very challenging. I do love pancakes and syrup but, in good conscience, had to give them up, too. You’ve seen the pictures on the box and the syrup bottle. Aunt Jemima may have been real and proud of the brand name she created but political correctness just doesn’t allow for that sort of thing today. The same goes for the rice I use to enjoy. Now, I am told I can’t have the beans I used to buy because the CEO of the company that cans them said he liked the President.
It has been truly frustrating trying to buy food lately that my new friends will approve. There just isn’t much of a market for non-GMO, organic, vegan, no antibiotics, locally grown, immigrant-friendly, water-saving, gluten-free, me-too friendly, race-neutral, gender-neutral food products made without using fossil fuels by non-corporate companies who pay their fair share in taxes and living wages. I use to be able to get things from Amazon….but now, you know, I can’t use Amazon anymore according to AOC, the new moral authority here in New York.
I haven’t been sleeping well lately either, I use to sleep like a baby until I found out the guy who owned the company that made My Pillow believed in God, so those pillows had to go. I was afraid that somehow his Ideas like, you know, loving each other and being compassionate to one another, would somehow seep out of that pillow and corrupt my brain should I put my head on that thing one more night! Now, I don’t asleep at all and haven’t been able to find a good pillow replacement. But, hey, at least I don’t have to get up early to go to work!
Also, I just realized my comment about sleeping like a baby was insensitive to babies who don’t sleep like a baby. We shouldn’t assume that all babies sleep well, thus promoting the stereotype that a well rested person must have “slept like a baby.” I apologize wholeheartedly and am thankful for those whom have pointed out my many faults! I am a much better and different person than I was eight sentences ago!
So here I am, starving to death because I haven’t found anything to eat that doesn’t offend someone. I am sleep deprived to the point of exhaustion. My clothes are dirty and tattered because I can’t use water to to wash them, or find a responsibly approved laundry detergent. I can’t buy new clothes because I can’t find any that don’t use animals or fossil fuels. My hair is long and my beard is matted because I can’t find a good razor that doesn’t support toxic masculinity and that’s troublesome because the beard itself is a symbol of just that.
I am soaking wet because it’s raining from climate change and I had to ride my bike when I gave up my car. But, then my bike was stolen and I now have to take an Uber because I can’t call a cop after the defunding. I can’t walk because it was Flag Day and after kneeling in front of the first 56 flags my knees are raw as the meat I gave up. There is no going to the doctor because I refuse to do so until we all have universal health care. But the hardest part of this day is that I have to go to the bathroom and I am not sure which one I am suppose to use.
Please help me survive this political correctness! What am I going to do when winter comes? What will my state do when no one is able to ship us natural gas anymore? As I think about, that’s when a lot of our troubles began, on December 17, 2014 when Andrew Cuomo chose political correctness over our economic development needs> Ever since then, it’s just gone from bad to worse. Should I leave New York? Nah…I’ll get back to fighting this nonsense, I guess.